Rick
Hulse’s Smacked Arse Comedy Roadshow
Avernus
Underworld Rally
Hamilton
House Farm
Saturday 29th
August 2015
1.00pm –
3.30pm
There comes a time when all you
can do is laugh and today was that day. Despite travelling an extra 11 miles
and ending up in Fleetwood, we got there early enough to wander around the
quaint little stalls, speak to friends and ogle the spectacular array of bikes
and trikes, before settling into a comfortably converted barn, decorated with some
amazing Indian artefact's and listening to some superb comedians.
Oggy, Charlie and Jan
Charlie, Me and Jan
One of the most amazing bikes at the Rally
Oggy before attempting to syphon off a gallon of petrol from Charlie's mean machine!
The wildlife wandered around the
fields and by wildlife I mean Hens and Geese and there was a gorgeous little
goat too, although on a long leash so as not to get in the way of the
thundering bikes and trikes arriving at the rally.
The bikes were all lined up as
soon as you turned the corner, all glistening in the sunlight and being the
envy of everyone who were unfortunate enough not to own one!
The place was packed to the
rafters, but we were lucky to find a table third from the front and settled
with some Strongbow Dark Fruits Cider in hand. The Host/Compare Rick Hulse
started his introduction and launched into a very ‘close to the bone’ rant
hitting on subjects like religion, which is usually met with groans unless you
are a biker/metal head, then it is welcomed! And picked on various members of
the crowd.
He picked on poor Ozzy (named so
because he is the spit of Ozzy Osbourne even with a beard) a few times,
probably because he was sitting in the front row and because he is very
distinct looking, and noticeably was sitting next to two blonde's one being his
wife of 30 years! But not called Sharon) although Ozzy isn’t one to not join in
the fun and rose to the occasion in usual Ozzy fashion!
There were three other comedians
all waiting to do a turn – one was John Porter who suffers with Cerebral Palsy
although he doesn’t let it stand in his way and revealed some sad stories about
his love life, adding a stamp of hilarity as well as irony to his black humour.
After he had finished the crowd cheered and clapped furiously as he left the
stage area.
Roger Monkhouse was up next and
spoke about his baldness saying he looks like everyone else, not having an
identity (apart from wearing shorts and sandals) As most of the rally guests
were ‘mature’ in years could well relate to his slant on things. The one liners
and punch lines were rife and immediately sparked a smile on people’s faces as
I observed around the room, and again after his act the crowd gave him a good
send off.
Roger Monkhouse
Greg Cook was the final comedian
of the afternoon and when I say he was as dry as they come – I mean dessert
dry! He brought along his beautiful dog Marley who weaved in and out of the
gathering bikers quite nonchalantly while gaining his own attention.
The fantastic Greg Cook
Made me laugh when he said “My
name is Greg and I don’t mean the bakers Greggs either!” He was on fire,
figuratively speaking, his jokes – sometimes about himself were hilarious and
easily relatable! For me he is a natural comedian – his timing spot on! And
knows where to hit the audience for full on hysterical reaction. I could have quite
happily, listened to him all night!
The best bit for me was when Greg
mentioned about the stuttering Sat Nav he purchased from a druggie obviously
desperate for money and who wanted 40.00 for the item, which Greg immediately
offered him a tenner for! – talk about pmsl it was genius the way he told the
story.
Greg said he was lucky when it
came to finding things and remarked quite nonchalantly “Yeah I found a white
stick by a large hole the other day!” and almost immediately the room filled
with laughter.
Rick the compare chipped in between
the other comedians and didn’t give a fuck who he offended although nobody was
offended in the slightest, especially not the ‘about to be married couple’ who
were tying the knot in 2 weeks, and Rick kindly invited us all to go and
witness the event, but not before slating the couple to within an inch of their
lives, commenting at least the guy’s wife to be had boobs that matched!
Rick Hulse or is it Citizen Smith?
He drunk like a fish too! The
empty cans of cider all lined up along the table was proof of that and when he
was brought a Strongbow Dark Fruit Cider he immediately ranted about it being
‘shite’ but drank it none the less! And yet there was no signs at all that he
was pissed - apart from some few loud burps!
I had never witnessed so much live
banter and hilarity live before (apart from at a Roadhog gig) and after seeing
this will definitely be getting out to see more as and when they arise –
although my stomach is still sore from the side-splitting laughter that was
witnessed in a barn right out in the middle of nowhere on Saturday afternoon.
And the fun didn’t stop there
either, as when we came outside in the brilliant sunlight we noticed a crowd
gathering on a large field and realised that four ‘Virgin Rally’ goers had been
captured, gagged and handcuffed with duct tape so as not to escape their fate were
now being forced (although nobody put up a great fight lol) into some dodgy
looking suits that resembled a willy with balls, it was soon clear what they
had to do and that was empty a gun of spunk at the targets, then run and fill a
bucket with foam sperm and then dive head first into their own vagina (let me
explain here) - on boards at the bottom of the field were some replica vagina's
all labelled with their names like Juicy Lucy, Blood Mary, Granny Smith and
another that completely escapes me, and yes Bloody Mary did come with her own
tampon and a bottle of tomato ketchup! And the four Virgin rally goers had to
dive through them at the end of the contest aptly titled “It’s a Cock-Out!” to
win.
Virgin Rally goers
It's a Cock-Out!
It was an ingenious little game
that was enjoyed by all the Virgin Rally goers despite looking like complete
dicks!
