Scanner Smashed Face
Blue Screen of Death
22 Track Album
Released 8th January 2013
The highly entertaining new album from SSF!
Scanner Smashed
Face – Oxford, UK
Links:
http://scannersmashedface.bandcamp.com/
https://www.facebook.com/ScannerSmashedFace
Genre: Brutal
Office Death Metal
There comes a time
in everyone’s life when they come across a band that instantly grabs their attention and Scanner Smashed Face
is one such extraordinary band.
Maybe it is my
fascination of paperwork or being on a computer nearly 24/7 I don’t know, but the
title tracks certainly strike a chord with me. The short little ditties take me
back to the days of office working and battling on a daily basis with the
photocopier who always saw fit to spray me with toner ink whilst wearing a white top
just before an important meeting and getting my fingers caught in the
laminating machine – of course this was back in the day as an office junior...
But I cannot help but feel totally sympathetic with these guys because I have
been there with the stationery clerk going through her staple collection and
checking to see how many calculators had mysteriously vanished as well as
having a battle with the water machine and losing – it certainly is another
world and these guys have taken it one step further putting their own unique
blend of Brutal Office Death Metal together in 22 easy stages, so step inside
and take a peak – but don’t blame me if you don’t come out alive!
Scanner Smashed Face formed in 2011
- and in the bands own words:
“*** STOP:
0x000001D1 (OxC000005, Ox92F27DCF, 0x99978968)
A problem has
been detected with your musical tastes and you have been shut down to prevent
damage to yourself and others. *** ERROR: 0x92F27DCF DEATH METAL DEFICIENCY
0x000000
If this is the
first time you've seen this stop error screen, please try again, but listening
to something heavier. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:
Check with your
hardware vendor for any BIOS updates. Disable instrument options such as
trumpets, violins or stupid auto-tuned singing.
Make sure that
your instruments are set to 'BRUTAL DISTORTION' '200bpm+ BLASTING' and 'UTTER
VOCAL RAGE' *** mix.sys - Address CTRL ALT KILL studios BH49090SH12746DP689GU895
***
disclaimer.sys - Root DK964KLA56
ANY OFFICE MURDERING UNDERTAKEN AFTER LISTENING TO
THIS ALBUM IS TOTALLY NOT OUR FAULT. GROW UP AND GET A LIFE!”
The artwork to
this amazing 14 minute – 22 track extravaganza (yes 22 tracks!) is a picture of
an empty call centre focused on the blue screen of death. Straight and to the
point unlike the boss’s agenda at meetings!
Blue Screen of Death
The sound of
someone typing on a computer and getting error plinks! – don’t you just hate
that! The scourge starts up feverishly with the sound of
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Then stops and a phone rings, don’t you just hate
that too? Right in the middle of extreme panic – someone decides to call and
ask if you are OK! :/
Scanner Smashed Face
Yes the
familiar sound of a feckin’ photocopier with some superior growling and blast
beats to follow.
Corpse Cabinet
This is
obviously dedicated to a filing clerk... who evidently never did any filing
otherwise they would have discovered the bodies...
Foetus in the Stuffing Machine
Very macabre
indeed with ominous amounts of chanting vocal and damming blast beats. Found out a stuffing machine is a machine that stuffs teddy bears although not seen one in an office before!
Call Centre Autopsy
Sound of
annoying phone ringing – and the sound of a peculiar woman (!) Pam answering a
call from Brett Steelman of Synergize Validation Systems – she asks for a
Customer ID number – he replies Murder 369 – she types it in and the sound of
terrifying screams can be heard – Brett tries to get some response and then a
deep voice says “Please hold” Then you hear “Integrated Data Statistics - We care
about your integrated data!” This track has got to be one of the most
interesting tracks I have heard in a long time – But what happened to Pam?
Staple tits
So short it
does not even give you time to staple two pieces of paper together! But that’s
all it takes! Ouch!
Head in a Water Cooler
The sound of gurgling
water and then it explodes into a scathing vocal, damming rhythms and blast
beats. Hey! I think that guy just drowned or is he pissed?
Fire Drill Death Stampede
Oh that
annoying sound of a pointless fire alarm... brutal vocals and blast beats that
sound like a lot of people running down a fire escape to the land of nowhere –
or is that the pub?
Hung from a Tie
Yes I know that
feeling! – waiting for anything to be done in an office can have this effect – “Hanging
from a tie – you will not survive!” But more chance of surviving that than
getting your wages on time eh!
Deadly Spread Sheet Malfunction
The curse of
Excel – this track sums it up brilliantly but does not tell you how to correct
the error!
That explains a lot!
Deadly Manager Encounter
“Are you
looking at porn at work?” “No! It’s a spread-sheet!” “My office! Now!” “I hate
you!” Yes some Managers just have no sense of humour at all!!
Murder King Lunchtime Brutality
Get set
goooooooooo! – it’s a quick getaway for lunch – try to beat the queues and end
up with a cold burger! You may have to resort to using a poison dart! Although
not sure what Mark is saying but sounds like he is repressed.
Office Chair Death Race
Never tried
this but I believe it can be fatal especially when stairs are involved! But the
track does not tell you what happened to the unfortunate employees who did try
it! For those who haven’t tried it – it is like a mosh pit only done with
people sitting in chairs! who madly push themselves about from one end of the office to another, and if your chair spins round that's a bonus! You get the picture?
Hard Drive Soft Skull
This conjures up
a rattled employee banging his head on a hard drive for some weird reason and
of course getting fired as a result I should not imagine!
Genital Shredder
The sound of
something getting mangled in the shredder – no clues for guessing what! But the
guys do a good rendition of it on this short track.
Super Fun Team Building Fun Day
Don’t you just
hate those days – team-building! – Yup! They usually destroy all moral in a
matter of minutes! “So you have to build
a bridge across this river with your colleagues!” Sound of drills, hammer and
nails and... As asked he made a bridge using his “colleagues”:D the sound of
agonising moans can be heard, well he did say build a bridge with his
colleagues didn’t he? There is always one!
Rapeler
Sounds like
something a lot of office workers would do at a Christmas party locked in a
stationary cupboard! But this is only my interpretation – feel free to use your
own ideas!!
Ctrl Alt Kill
The office saga
continues – be it brief for this little ditty – but you have all heard of
Control Alt Delete yes? Well these guys have removed a key and added another
one!
Car Pool of Blood
Sound of a car
engine, the mad frenzy as 5 o’clock approaches the mad scurry to the car park
leaving a trail of office files in their wake. By 5.05 pm – well - let’s say there
is a lot of cleaning up to be done and not just the office files!
Foul Xerox Infestation
Those Xerox
Machines can be deadly – the drum beats document a flurry of paper that seems
to be exploding from the machine – what – did nobody think to sit naked on the
machine for a bum print? Damn!
Painful Paperclip Insertion
Amazing where
you find paperclips these days but more so in an office – or should that read orifice!!
This scathing little track outlines exactly where!
Deadly Manager Encounter Part 2: Hell Fired
Evaluation
time! Oh dear... “I’m afraid you are going to have to find another job!” “Now
that is dealt with, we need to get to the bottom of our unusually high staff
turnover!” Yes this just about sums up office mentality to a T – don’t mind if
I do... No sugar in mine thanks!
Shit!
From start to
finish this is one unique blend of office tomfoolery accompanied by some serious
extreme office death metal and trust me when I say yes, they do mix, extremely
well. For me I can relate to every track and thoroughly enjoyed Call Centre Autopsy and Super Fun Team Building Fun Day as they
are both highly entertaining and really do put things into perspective.
Call Centres are without a doubt a nightmare to work in and stress! – blimey – a heart
attack is certainly on the cards if you work there full time and if you don't get a heart attack you will end up in an insane asylum!
Well done guys
on such a brilliant, well thought out piece of work. It is without a doubt a true masterpiece of
modern science and well executed err maybe that is the wrong choice of words
here but well produced anyhow!
Mark and Jason - surviving the office brutality
For anyone who
loves death metal – the office way - then do check these guys out – All that is
left to say is – I wished SSF had
been at the Call Centre I used to work at because at least it would have
lightened the load!
A must hear
album without a doubt for office metal heads with a cheeky sense of humour!
10/10
Track List:
Blue Screen of Death 00:53
Scanner Smashed Face 00:30
Corpse Cabinet 00:27
Foetus in the Stuffing Machine 00:33
Call Centre Autopsy 00:58
Staple Tits 00:00
Head in a Water Cooler 00:36
Fire Drill Death Stampede 00:42
Hung from a Tie 00:41
Deadly Spread Sheet Malfunction 00:27
Deadly Manager Encounter 00:27
Murder King Lunchtime Brutality 00:25
Office Chair Death Race 00:24
Hard Drive Soft Skull 00:13
Genital Shredder 00:47
Super Fun Team-building Fun Day 01:21
Rapeler 00:31
Ctrl Alt Kill 00:05
Car Pool of Blood 01:14
Foul Xerox Infestation 00:57
Painful Paperclip Insertion 00:29
Deadly Manager Encounter Part 2: Hell Fired 01:29
Members:
Mark "Skullwheel" Butler - Vocals, Bass & Drums
Jason "Killputer" Harper - Guitars
